Today I am Grateful for Heaven

Well, actually I am always grateful for Heaven. But today is infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. Last Tuesday (Oct 12) Samuel would have been 7 months old. We also wouldn't have Piper. I find myself thinking that alot, I love that little girl so much and life would be so different with out her, but we'd have Samuel. I'll never know what life would've been like with Samuel. But I'll get to spend eternity getting to know him and seeing who he is.

I know a lot of people think, "Oh, it's just a miscarriage, you didn't feel the baby move, you didn't see his face." blah blah blah.

It wasn't just a miscarriage. It was a baby. A baby that John and I prayed for, loved before he was made, looked forward to, thought about, grieved for and still miss. So it wasn't "just a miscarriage", SAMUEL was and is our child. It wasn't "just" a miscarriage.

I remember the joy the day (June 30th at 10:15am) that I found out we were pregnant. I was at my parents house and "snuck" my preg test in and took it, it shocked me when it showed positive. I couldn't wait to tell John so I drove to his work to tell him. He was busy so I left the preg test and a note in his seat in the car. We were thrilled. At my first ultrasound we saw his heart beat. A few weeks later I had some spotting and went in for an ultrasound. I went alone b/c I really didn't think anything was wrong. The tech looked around then started looking at my ovaries. I knew since she didn't comment on the baby being fine that he must be gone. When I said to her "you don't see a heart beat do you?" She said, "no" and handed me a box of tissues when she went to get the doc. I remember thinking, "how am I going to tell John this news." After talking with the doc and deciding to have a DNC later that day, I left the office in tears, called John and said, "there is no heart beat." all he said was, "not even a little one." He came home from work and we just cried, I had the DNC and that was that. We cried on and off for days. It was the biggest sucker punch I'd ever had. We prayed a lot, played with Tris a ton and cried.

After a few days, we were fulling believing what we'd been saying from the beginning: we trust God, we love God and we will serve God...no matter what." We began to really rely on Him, knowing that was the only place from which our healing could come. He delivered, like he always does. He began healing in our lives. We moved forward but will never forget. Samuel's box that Megan made us sits on our mantel, with little mementos of him in it. I love that box and will forever treasure it.

On Sunday, we were driving home from Hillsboro and Tristan had a red balloon from Red Robin in the car he asked (out of no where) if we could pull over so he could let the balloon go out the window and up to Heaven to his brother Samuel. He never knew his face but he loves him and he remembers. God uses special moments like that to remind us of his love for us and that our little one is safe in His arms.

Even now, 14 months after losing Samuel, I get teary writing about the day we found out we were pregnant, the day we lost him and all the days following. I don't think you ever "get over" the loss of a child, you just learn how to move forward into a new kind of normal. All of you who share this common bond with me understand what I am saying. A loss is a loss, whether it be a miscarriage or a loss later in pregnancy, it was a loss. My little one had a heart beat, he was ALIVE. He was wanted and loved. His death was a loss. His God is real. His God is strong and his God is holding him until we get there.

Today I am grateful for Heaven.